Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
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So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
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how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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