How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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