dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
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I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
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I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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