I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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