I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
