peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
