I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How does it feel to date your dad?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
