I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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