so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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