dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
