Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
