I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Randomize
