if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
