Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
