When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize