I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
