I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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