Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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