so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
