he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
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so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
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I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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