There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
