I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
