Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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