I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
