Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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