I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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