My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
