i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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