I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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