You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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