It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
