She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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