hotel room ftw
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
