The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
