Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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