I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
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Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
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You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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