kristin has been a bad kristin
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
