Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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