dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
