At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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