my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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