Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
