flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
