Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
