We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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