If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
