Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
