I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
