there's paper in my vomit.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
