If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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