I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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