is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
