its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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