I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
